Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
Randomize
