My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize