Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
He only uses me for sexual pleasure. The sad part is I don't even feel like a slut. I just I feel like I should just live in the top drawer of his nightstand....for free of course.
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
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