I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Randomize
