I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
