DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
People are allowed to visit it's just they can't be from Germany and have to wear masks.
me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
