Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
