I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
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