sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
be right there i have to get my cape
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
