I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
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