I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
You're like the curious george of whores
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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