I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
