hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
And then he peed in my hair
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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