he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
i don't mind that he's uncut. i like it! it's like a little sweater!
a cock doensn't need a sweater! especially a skin sweater! wtf.
That's like some buffalo bill hannibal lector shit.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
Randomize