you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Randomize
