Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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