i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
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I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
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I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
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