sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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