I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Randomize
