One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
