this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Randomize
