YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
