I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
Randomize
