Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
I look better un-naked...
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Randomize
