I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Randomize
