hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Randomize
