Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
