can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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