So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
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Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
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