Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Randomize
