Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Randomize
