Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Randomize
