i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
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