The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
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