the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
Randomize
