mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Randomize
