I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
i think i have herpe
just one?
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
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