I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
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he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
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I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
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