A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Randomize
