youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.Â
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
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