We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
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