you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
