Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
