Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
