update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
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Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
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Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
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