she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
Randomize
