How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
