Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
Randomize
