yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
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