Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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