I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Randomize
