About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
