and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Randomize
